What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:33
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My life is so biszare .
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This is soul school!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
If you could go back and rewrite the Legend of Korra, what would you change, and why?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I said to her
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I have no regrets .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!